Melancholia

This story is suppose to be depressing. So happy people, be aware. I thought about writing a poem and moving on. It didn't work out though, I wish it would. What happened you may ask? I don't know, I wish I know why, among other things I always wanted to know, as in why do I live? what is life? who is responsible for all these horrible things and the list goes on. Anyway so things happen. Shit happens. It's just that I'm unable to grasp the concept of life.

So I was just listening to some indie music when some girl (okay, it's not some girl, she's kind of my friend, Anupama, her name, Anu, as they call her) and asked if I wanted to go to some random get together. I told her "No, can't, busy." she sighed, obviously knowing that I was lying she asked me if I was okay. So I was like "Sure, why not?" she sighed again and hanged up. It's great that Anu didn't push me to answer unless I probably would have told her to fuck off. I wanted to go back to listening music, I couldn't though, instead I decided to go to the party.

The party is like any other party you have witnessed. Loud music, booze, clumsy dancing, awkward chatter and little bit of drama, this is no exception. Some people looked at me as if they saw the latest world wonder. Because, well I don't know. I'm not a party animal type and it shows, since people are so judge-y it might be surprise for them, but can't care less about what others might think. I almost gave middle finger for the host when someone came over me.

"Didn't expect to see you here." said Ran, my best friend, or boyfriend as some might say, with a beer can in his hand.

"A simple greeting would have been nice, asshole."

"Need anything to drink?" he didn't wait for my answer and brought a can for me. It was cool thus comforting, so I kept drinking it without worrying about getting drunk.

"So what made you come?" he asked. I shrugged and went back to scanning the area. But there's nothing interesting.

"Oh! look who's here." Anu appeared with another chick, exclaiming. I tried to look surprised for her too, though I failed.

"Who's she?" I asked pointing the other girl.

"She's Natasha, and Natasha this is Max and that's Ran." I acted like it was nice to meet her while Ran put a protective hand over my shoulder.

They began to talk about some boring topic, when I tried to escape to somewhere else Natasha asked if I want to dance. I felt like doing anything reckless, so yeah why not. She threw her hands over my neck and leaned closer, or more than closer, almost to the point that her erect nipples rubbing against my chest. And we danced. Danced like there's nothing happening in the world, danced like we'll never party again, danced like tomorrow is the apocalypse. I felt loosened up, better, then I stopped.

Ran didn't looked mad as I thought he would, he just looked concerned. I got another can and faced him. He smiled, it's genuine enough to make me smile too.

"What?" he asked.

"What what?"

"You are smiling."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well that's great, it's a rare sight that I'm willing to see." he grinned.

Well you might say Ran is adorable. He's not. He can be complete dick when he want to be. Like once he stopped talking me for a week because onetime I told him to mind his own business. Anyway we are the opposite of each other. That have to be reason we get along so well, when he's ying I become yang. When I'm black so he's white. Then Natasha came and asked if I want to dance again. I said no, but she didn't leave.

Natasha wanted to get under my pants so bad that it's pathetic. She said I look great over and over and kept suggesting how cool it'll be if we left to her place. I tried not to laugh. Actually, I enjoyed her company because of her desperate need of cock. So I kept pushing her buttons to make her more helpless, I know that's inhumane and all but it's just fun, well at least it's funny to me. I started my fifth can when Ran came and told me it's enough for today. I was just starting to have fun and he have to be a jerk about it, I told him to get lost, and he went away.

I'm the one who got lost though. After that beer I lost my conscience and gravity seem to be gone. Losing my control left me insane. I think I puked several times (was it on Natasha?) and blacked out. I woke up after someone threw water at me, actually it's Ran, he kind of washed my face. Then he got me to my home. That's the last thing I remember from that night.

Next day is one the worst day of my life. Hang over is bitch and it ruined everything for that day. I always felt like I wanted to throw up, it didn't, easily because I haven't eaten anything. Nausea didn't let me eat anything, and this head-freaking-ache kept killing me slowly. I wanted sleep away the whole day. In other words; I'm a mess, a big fucking Mess.

"Dude, you look like hell" said Ran when he came.

"I know man, feel like it too."

"Want anything?" I just shook my head.

"Actually, there something you can do..."

"Yeah, what?"

"I want to die, help me to suicide, please dude, just do it for me." I begged. He sighed.

"I don't know man, all these times I've been helping you, but this doesn't seem to get better." he said, looking sad with a long face. "I think I'm failing."

"You know what, just forget what I said."

"Well, you cann't say something like that and tell me to forget it."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm spoiling you." now it was my turn to sigh.

It's not that I wanted end my life is the controversy here, It's just that I'm so fed up with this fuckery, I can't  do it anymore. I know, that make me a loser,a pussy. Call me any name you wish but it does nothing for me, for better or worse. I don't regret my life, I really don't. But it's not the perfect life either. You can go on about how everyone has their own problems and so on, but no it's not simple as that.

Ran insisted me to eat, I complied. Food had no taste or at least I didn't sense if it had. I want food to be tasty, music to be soothing, air to be refreshing. It didn't, all I got was pressure. Life already is killing me slowly. It's a paradox that I'm not willing to fulfill. Let go, that's the way. I have to let go, starting from myself.

I threw away my indie music and started listening to country. I guess you can color me weird.

PS: So it's the first time I'm posting something in English. This is the first chapter I wrote for a novel (with some cuts and edits), which I stopped continuing long time ago. I'll translate this to Sinhala someday, but for now tell me what you guys think.